Remove Internet Explorer 11 Error 9C59, KB2670838 Error 80004005

Questions:So I've been trying to fix this for more than 20 hours now and I haven't made the slightest bit of progress.

The issue:

The update "Internet Explorer 11 for Windows 7 x64" fails with error code 9C59. Currently installed is IE9.
The update "KB2670838" fails with code 80004005. Google reveals that this update is a requirement for IE11.
After attempting to install such an update, "TrustedInstaller.exe" remains active with high CPU usage and high and steadily increasing memory usage. I think I know the reason for this. The "update posting information" thread tells me to post the folder with CBS logs. However, after I try (and fail) one of the two updates (or both), the CBS.log file keeps increasing with about 1mb per second which never stops, eventually growing to many gb. I think this is the reason for the "TrustedInstaller.exe" CPU usage and memory usage.

Because of this problem it's hard for me to send you CBS.Log because it's far too big. Thus, I'll attach a zip containing one of the "CbsPersist__.cab" files instead - most of them were still too large. I also included 3 other files found in C:\Windows\Logs (not in the CBS subdirectory), they're related to IE11 so I thought they could be relevant.

Things I've tried:

sfc /scannow; gives no errors at all, no integrity violations found.
chkdsk /f; took around 4 hours, changed nothing. As far as I could tell it didn't find many issues.
System update readiness tool; changed nothing
Resetting the Windows Update components; changed nothing

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